clumsy enough to fall for anything,

we're older now and i don't know who any of you are anymore.

for some reason i'm taking 17 credits next semester:

PSYCH 350 Child Psychology
PSYCH 355 Adolescent Psychology
ENGL 221 Shakespeare
ENGL 298A Shakespeare on Film Practicum (1 credit--meets once a week, pass/fail, only have to attend)
ENGL 369 Studies in Modern Fiction
HIST 379 History of Modern WEstern Expansion
EDUC 491A Intro to Inclusion (1 credit--only meets five mondays a semester)

things are okay over here. i'm trying desperately to find deep meaning in life in order to get rid of the terrible anxiety i feel daily--i see brief glimpses often. i've realized i just need to contine to create stable, mutually reciprocal and beneficial relationships in my life. i need to give back to the world and be grateful for my experience on earth. the universe is impossibly massive to understand, so i'm going to stop obessing over the fact that the sun will burn out one day and i'll die one day and one day there may be nothing. but someday there will be something again. often, i think i'm going crazy. life is insane.

i am so happy about my choice to pursue becoming a teacher. this semester has made me realize how amazing of a job it is and i just can't wait to change lives.

this summer i think i'm moving to boston to live with jesse, maybe find an internship out there and try to get serious about life, or just continue to work retail and like it just fine. i miss him too much daily to not take the summer oppurtunity to be near him constantly. we had our one year anniversary a few weeks ago and he brought me to a bed and breakfast in new hampshire with a bed two feet off the ground that we needed a stool to climb onto. for breakfast, we split an apple pie and laughed about how awkward it was that we were in someone's dining room with a musket suspended on the wall and fine china all around. i love him and i love being in love with him. things are good.

been looking into going back to italy next spring for a semester abroad. probably live in florence. CAN'T. WAIT.

how is everyone?

i'll write in this again one day and i can't wait to discover what comes out. in the meantime, i'm so busy. so happy. so perplexed. insert emotions a-z.

happy holidays!

so many moments build up until the images pop fireworks off in my brain and i burst like technicolor images rewinding on a film reel. this is when i feel like an emotional mess. squatting, knees making imprints in the sand, i talk to a distant friend about dirty laundry and the future and how the two are probably more similar than most think. only i say that to myself in my head, and not out loud to him. when i hang up, i sigh because the sun setting on the water is a postcard. the night before, a buzz from two glasses of pinot noir finds me talking loosely to my mother in a small-town restaurant, sitting parallel to the salt of new england's shoreline, where curtains swing into paisley hammocks and robust old ladies bring us chowder. i can't remember the last time i've felt this overwhelming calmness. fast forward two hours and three empty wine bottles and i know why i'll never be truly lonely. there is such comfort in passionate discussion. a day or two later, i sit close underneath a tattered fleece blanket, touching the beat of your heart with my fingers, screaming joy inside because i'm not a great singer but i need to say something soon. and then, i sit on burning plastic pool chairs, squinting at glossy magazine font but thinking about the way the sun reflects against the chlorinated water and makes it look sharp. you ask me a question and i ponder my answer long enough to be distracted by all that is beautiful in you. so many moments and i'm far too touched, too empathetic, too emotional to not allow them to catch up with me one way or the other.

i live in amherst now. my childhood bureau is repainted, and i'm feeling very ready to grow up and keep growing. is that an odd thing to feel after you've already reached age five when growing up meant cool things, like telling kids like you what to do, and drinking things out of cups with no cover and no leak-free locks? now all it means is paying bills and working a lot and losing sight of what keeps you young. and for some reason, i can't wait to look at life at the other end of the spectrum and be able to congratulate myself for my success and impact on the people i've taught, met, loved, birthed, who the fuck knows.

all i REALLY know is, next year i'm going to be through-the-roof busy. i'm working towards a double major in english and psych, with a minor in education. taking five classes (maybe six if i can fit it in), working at the maxx nights and weekends, and working mornings at a work study job. in between that time, i'll be going to class. lets take bets on how emaciated and dead i'll look the next time you see me!@#!

currently, i'm in love and its incredible.

i had a dream last night where i was trapped underwater and when i looked up towards the surface, all i could see were limp bodies floating in a confetti fashion. the light striped their clothing and on occassion, i would witness people from above the water jump in to save others, but as they started to ascend, the limp striped bodies came to life and threw rocks at them until they themselves submerged. right before i woke up, i died and became a women illuminated in a white haze, and i got up and walked through streets that looked like florence. children were playing and an old man in a lawn chair sat on the corner of the street and said to me, "this life is not your own, but you must live it." and then i woke up. seriously, what the fuck?

on another note: things are moving at a rapid, exciting pace for me. i move into my apartment in amherst in exactly a week, and will start working out there the following monday. my mom has been collecting furniture for me. so far we have acquired two hideous but moreso awesome bright orange living room chairs straight out of the 70's with cat scratches up and down the arms and legs, an assortment of tarnished silverware, some 50cent VHS' (not the rapper, but rather cheap, old, obsolete VHS'), more seventies style furniture that includes an ironing board with an obnoxious primary color flower print, a nautical looking mirror, and maybe something else? so yes, the moral of this paragraph is: if you have any furniture you don't need or are trying to get rid of, give it to me!

i hope all y'all cats i haven't talked to in a while are doing well.

seriously?! the waiting room of a hospital filled with educated people trained to save sick people and she died on the floor. such a sad, sad world sometimes.

everyone is so goddamn impatient and it makes me sad. ultimately, we're in this together. we have no where else to go but one step closer to our destination. chill out, please.

i need to keep reminding myself how important it is to follow through with my hopes and dreams without flaking out beforehand due to my fear of the unknown. most of the time i incorrectly pair seperate definitions into synonyms. i think the "unknown" really means the "inevitability of bad things to come" and i know how unrealistic and untrue that is, but i just can't help but worry that every choice i make will be the wrong one.

thats all i really have to say for now. just a lot of angst and anxiety. when i DONT think about things unknown and focus solely on what i DO know, i am so very very happy. my family is great. jesse is incredible. friends are fun. work is rewarding (in an odd way.) and i guess thats all i need to think about for now.

managed to pull off a cumulative gpa of 3.91 this past year, straight A's this past semester. WTF. i'm pumped but can't really say it was difficult, considering the lack of distractions present due to the fact that i had no friends or a substantial social life.

these days: i work, eat, sleep, and cuddle. i wake up and take deep breaths and smile. i feel the magic of living rattle deep within my bones. i occassionally tear up when i hear beautiful melodies or poignant words of wisdom because its just nice to feel. i am falling in love with so much, over and over again. i get worried and can't place my words in a clear enough order to make them understood, but i know that's okay.

write a bunch of poetry and know exaclty what it was i was feeling and how the hell i was going to say it. now, i don't. i wonder what changed and how and why and are we just growing up to grow out of our passions?

i think mother nature decided to skip over spring and bombard us with the hot summer sun for an extra month or two. thank you, mommy naytch, thanks. i am so refreshed and alive lately. every now and then, when i stop to just think, or look at the trees or even the way the walls meet the ceiling at interesting angles, i am overwhelmed with a calming contentment. i can't ask for anything other than everything i have.

this weekend was one of those reminders. friday morning, jesse and i woke up and showered then discovered his car to be missing from the spot where he parked it the night before. yes, it was towed. again. yes, i got to experience the grumpy wrath of ford; the outrageously dirty, impressively mustached, miserable towing man i have heard so much about. jesse called parking services and they told him it was towed due to unpaid fines and the only way he could get his beloved saab back would be if he paid the entirity of his accumulative sum of parking tickets: $290. we did, reluctantly. missed his first class, but went to his second philosophy class with him. his professor is polish and awesome and had so much chalk dust on his black slacks. he doesn't think we need to celebrate patriots day, but thinks the pope should drive a kia. awesome.

friday night: saw mare for a second or two which was nice, regardless of it being so short. we made tuna fish sandwiches, drank apple juice, and chatted. then, jesse and i went to the condo. played some smash bros, i got tired and grumpy, we went to bed.

saturday i worked. a man gave me five dollars after i messed up his massive purchase of $400 and had to re-ring it. he probably felt awkward about the fact that when he took a wad of receipts out of his jean pockets, a glass tube CLEARLY used for smoking crack came with them. it remained on the counter for a good twenty minutes and in my mind, all i could think about was whether or not his life is as miserable as everyone's on intervention. hahah.

saturday night was the epic DRIVEWAY FEST @ shawn's. jesse parked the hell out of that drive way and even left burnout marks for kim. (to those of you out of the loop, shawn's mom hates jesse because he has parked in their driveway on several occassions. hates him so much he isn't allowed over. she doesn't understand the purpose of a driveway.) let's just say, the hummer got pissed on by all. kristen and maggie even stood on the top and peed all over the roof. drunken rainsford reunion. nostalgic singalongs and new friends.

sunday woke up hungover. jesse, shawn, maggie, nick, thos, ross, and i went to bickford's for breakfast then hit up rietta ranch as everyone was packing up. a few deals were found, including a six dollar keyboard that became means for scattered dance parties before we went to ross' house. @ ross' we napped in this massive clearing and almost got devoured alive by ticks.

SUMMERSUMMER i can't wait. only... like, 12 or so days left of the semester.

amherst next year. have i mentioned i'm SO pumped. i need best friends in my life again and the happiness and laughter i forgot is so necessary for my survival.

i haven't play-by-play updated in.. forevz. so, sorry about that if you don't care about my life.

life is good still. i'm transferring to umass amherst in the fall and will be living in an apartment with corey and a girl named zara, who i met last weekend and seems very nice and fun. i can't wait to buy groceries and pay bills like an adult. does that make me crazy? i have about four weeks left of the year, then its home to workworkwork. hopefully i'll find time for some travel. going to maine this weekend with the immediate and extended fam. jesse's coming up on saturday night. i'm just pumped for the swimming pool, red wine, and good conversation. so many underwater handstands with hannah and lauren will occur. haven't seen aunt ruby or nancy, eric or john in a while, and can't wait to catch up.

minus the bear and michael showalter are coming to unh before the end of the year, which will make the year finish on a good note. i forgot to mention snoop dogg, but i don't think i'll be attending. if you want to attend/visit for these reasons, let me know!

anyone who hasn't heard Thao With the Get Down Stay Down needs to download the album "We Brave Bee Stings & All." I'M SERIOUS. also, the new Ruby Suns album. AND! i love the new man man.

never thought i'd say it: i've grown out of livejournal.

i don't have (m)any bad days anymore. all the teenage angst i've ever felt has managed to escape through time. it seems like within this year (since september) i've come to love myself and the choices i make more completely than i ever have before. i love who i am. i love thinking about who i will become. what i will do. where i will be. who i will be there with. honestly, life renders me speechless most of the time.

i am exercising at least three times a week, eating healthy, and working hard on school work. i have a boyfriend who not only makes me feel amazing, but allows me to question things i've never thought about before and think deeply about the world. my family, i love them. i am so grateful.

the only thing i truly crave is travel. i hope to go somewhere this summer. jesse and i have been talking about a trip to vancouver or montreal. either would be a blast. also, corey and gabe mentioned pitchfork concert in chicago. roadtrip? i need to see more of the world.

i don't really have any stories or exciting news. just a general update. the main point:
sometimes i am overwhelmed by the beauty of life.

people i haven't talked to in a while and i hope are doing well:
marty mcmorrow, kristen sauvegeau, nico robuccio, michael valeri, marissa rauer.
let me know whats up and how you've beeen!

this entry made me sound like such a happy-go-lucky basket case. i should probably delete this and instead drown my sorrows with emo jamz and fried food/ice cream. fried ice cream? no but seriously, i hope everyone is as happy as i've been feeling lately.

ok, done. you can puke now.

some nights i really like it here.

SUMMER, ANYONE?!

post edit: i suppose spring needs to come before i get too overzealous in my want for summer. so, spring fun and romance will also suffice. i would just like the snow to be gone.

people are obsessed with the glamour of the city, and i think its gonna turn a few bad. that saddens me. more importantly, the main point of this entry: every single time i go to the bathroom (this isn't even an exaggeration), the same kid is drinking water from the bubbler. is he just ridiculously thirsty all the time? or, does he prefer tap over bottled? can he afford better tasting water? this boy is a mystery to me. he is always there, just slurping up that cold, germy water.

i spent so much of today thinking about what it would be like to live as a women in the early 1900's. i totally would have rebelled against societal norms and had steamy summer romances with men i'd never marry. and then, on my death bed, i would state vehemently that i don't regret anything because i stayed young and alive while other women forced themselves into a miserable life of tending to a house and awkwardly conversing with husbands they were forced to marry because they were rich and boring.

that is all.

as i get older, i notice myself becoming progressively more annoyed and upset at the immaturity of my peers. i have come to realize that there will always be people above and below my level of intelligence, but most of the things that truly annoy me lately have nothing to with a measure of intelligence. it simply comes down to the fact that so many people cannot transgress acting in a juvenile manner about everything they are ever directly or indirectly involved in.

i have become so indifferent about the things that are said or done to shake up human emotion that it makes me uncomfortably upset. i've always considered myself to be a relatively apathetic person in certain aspects of life, but never when it involved human emotion. i want to be able to feel everything, but when feeling everything involves caring about petty snickers and unnecessary comments, i just can't. i think i've spent so much of my life as a teenager surpressing the things i really wanted to say to the people who make me feel a certain way that, at this point, i've succumbed to the silence that appears when i'm asked what I THINK.

here is what i think:
it is one hundred percent necessary to choose your battles. once you choose a battle, be able to justify your motive. we are all too capable and brilliant to say things without thinking anymore. especially when knowing your words could hurt someone else.

i'm not trying to blame anyone for the unwanted superiority complex i get every time i'm around people who act this way, i just wish that one day, many of you collectively decide to grow up.



in other news,
a) there was a lunar eclipse tonight. i was not expecting it to be red.
b) everyone should be happy for me due to the happiness i've been feeling lately, because the happiness that i feel when i'm with a certain someone is a happiness that i don't feel very often and it truly is a happiness that makes the world go round.
c) i've realized i am GOOD at school and really would love to continue to read and teach literature for the rest of my life. that is also a good feeling but still not as good as point B.

mary heline, corey gates, elyse leblanc, marissa rauer, and allyson tetreault:

i miss you all like crazy. right now, i would love to be sitting around my kitchen table eating an unhealthy amount of chicken nuggets and talking to you all like i used to. i only want to lose touch periodically, and even then it sucks. so yes, this summer, when i'm home and you're home and we're all home, or atleast when i get my CAR back(!), lets all be best friends again.

love,
chelsea david.

a lot of the time i wonder if my life is the way it is simply because i never pushed any other options. for four years, high school was defined as preparation for college. so we attended and we performed when we felt like it and we managed to get it all done and graduate, and we were handed a diploma which really should have read: we've lied; your life starts now. but we knew what we needed to do because we've heard it for years, structurally warped to take on any form of inspiration, this, college is the next step. but what if i didn't go? (this entire entry is hypothetical, so don't call my old teachers and tell them their hopeful student is dropping out of college.) i would be making atleast $200 a week, saving up to do the things i get butterflies when thinking about. i would be traveling, growing, learning, exploring. i know college allows me to grow and learn, but i can't help but feel trapped inside an ecosystem of kids whose dreams are at the surface of a lake so murky they think its mud all the way through. so many of us have just "settled," and i wish i could detect ecstasy in every face i see. making the best of what we have is important, and i constantly feel selfish for feeling antsy and discontent somewhere many would kill to be. i want to be everywhere all at once, and that is my dilemma. if i hadn't gone to school right away, and spent a year saving money and traveling, i could have still started my college career at 19, graduated four years later, and nothing would be any different. the difference would only be in my sense of self-fulfillment, because i would have seen enough to keep my curiousity at bay here. and the thing that really freaks me the fuck out? at 21, i'll have a bachelor's degree and will only be heading in one direction: a full time career. at 21?! do i want that? honestly, i feel like i've done everything too exact and by the book and i just really wish i could kick expectations square in the face and do what i want. the thing is, i know i can. but should i?

i know i'm young, but thats what makes this all so bittersweet. my life is at my fingertips, and every single finger is touching a different hope or dream. some are realistic and promising, my fingers are wrapped around these. others, romantic and idealistic, and all they do is produce a spark where the fingertip barely touches.